The Art of Suicide
by Madam'zelleG
Summary: Further away, down the length of shorn curls and lies, she lay, no longer Master Depa Billaba, renowned member of the Jedi Council. As surely as the wound in her forehead, the remains of the Mark of Greater Illumination, she fell.


Written for the Reviews Lounge, Too 2015 Green Room Challenge.

Challenge 3: The Hypnotic Challenge

* * *

 _"I know you will come for me, Mace. You should never have sent me here…. I know you think I've gone mad. But I haven't. What's happened to me is much worse…."_

The beauty of suicide, eyes closed, the motion of her chest sharp and ragged. Still the breaths came, mingling with the air around her, her body willingly sinking deeper into the darkness. Further away, down the length of shorn curls and lies, she lay, no longer Master Depa Billaba, renowned member of the Jedi Council. As surely as the wound in her forehead, the remains of the Mark of Greater Illumination, she fell.

The strength of her spirit.

The wisdom of her mind.

The laughter in her soul.

Torn away with the jewels, the crimes, the war, the hate…

Remnants of the Dark Side.

Staring into the darkness of the colors that stand before her. Blaster bolts, lush foliage, purple lightsaber, white armor, ragged children. Meeting the eye of her former master, the Koran man standing before her, begging her not to try it... before leaping from the hflight deck into the jungle below, tears burning crags into her young cheeks...

* * *

 _"Hush, little one."_

The wind whistled outside the rooftop gardens of the Jedi Temple. The air was cool, gently kissed by the sun-drenched foliage and trickling streams. The great trees of the garden hugged the pair on her shore, keeping them away from all else.

There was nothing but their thoughts.

A pond, full of pink and orange fish, lapped at the edges of the ground where they were. The sound of water sang to them, melody full of promise.

Master T'ra Saa sat cross-legged in the dirt, her eyes closed, her breathing calm and even. To her right lay the eerily-still form of the former Master Depa Billaba. Profoundly silent, Master Saa waited.

The scent of bacta still lingered in the air, acidic, harsh, healing. Life-saving, live-destroying.

 _But what's done can never be undone._

She reached forward with the Force, gently touching Depa's mind, waiting for the Chalactan woman to respond. Depa's beautiful face, bandaged and pale, grimaced as realization took hold of her.

"No, Master," she cried out in her mind, her body still not able to move. "You can't."

"Shhh," responded the Neti. "Please."

* * *

Depa had remained in a comatose state ever since returning to Coruscant. The mission on Haruun Kal had shattered her completely, and Master Windu, who had been sent by the Council to retrieve her, had been unable to offer an explanation as to what had happened.

T'ra Saa knew the story as well as anyone. Reports had come in, just rumors at first, of a Jedi Master on a distant world. A Master who no longer behaved like a Jedi. There were even whispers that she had fallen to the Dark Side, that she had committed terrible crimes against the people Haruun Kal.

Genocide.

The word wasn't used frequently in wartime. Perhaps people feared to tempt fate, unsure of what the future would bring with so many dying every day. But when the word had been used in the same breath as Depa's name, the Council recognized that something must be done.

Mace had gone to find her, to find if it was true. They had all offered prayers to the Force hoping that it was all false.

What Master Saa and the other members of the council hadn't realized until now, was the fact that Depa had sent Mace Windu a personal message to urge him out into the jungles of his home planet, a temptation, and a promise that something was not right.

 _"I know you will come for me, Mace. You should never have sent me here…. I know you think I've gone mad. But I haven't. What's happened to me is much worse…."_

A few days prior, Master Windu had shown her this original recording. The images were burned into her mind, and she had sucked in her breath painfully. The corpses, the mutilations, the stench of the Dark Side that could be felt even through the blue hologram.

How could this have happened?

What had happened?

Depa had been forcibly captured by her former master and brought back to the Temple to answer for her crimes. Her entire being had been shattered by the saving of her life... But she couldn't be tried if they couldn't reach her mind. And Depa could only mentally scream in pain whenever anyone tried.

Mace hurt. She could see that in his eyes.

The words from the recording were burned into all of their minds…

 _I've gone sane. And nothing is more dangerous than a Jedi who is finally sane._

* * *

And now, sitting on the roof of the Temple in the meditation gardens, she continued to wait.

Her mind was certainly capable of reaching the young Master. She knew the importance of discovering what had happened. She ached for the dead.

But even now, Master T'ra Saa would not force herself on the weak, shattered being before her.

"Please, Master. Help me."

The voice that touched her thoughts was not that of a cold-blooded killer. Nor was it the voice of the great member of the Jedi Council. It was the voice of a girl, one frightened and in pain.

Master Saa breathed the words into Depa's mind. "Yes, child."

She delved into the mind of the woman before her, gently manipulating the thoughts, causing the Master to rest peacefully as she sifted through the images and feelings in her mind. It would cause Depa no pain.

The thoughts were chaotic, pained, unfocused.

She breathed, trying to find her way throughu the maze of chaos, the un-Jedi state of mind. She found a thread, and she took hold of it.

Then… she dove.

* * *

 _Commands meant for the Balawai warriors, forcing death and destruction upon the villages._

 _Victory as the Separatists were beaten back._

 _Uncertainty amongst the tribes when they were left to fight their own war._

 _Realization that the war was never going to end._

 _Death._

 _Death all around._

 _Integration into the heart of a tribe who wanted nothing more than to destroy._

 _Blood spilled on her behalf._

 _A thrill in her heart as she stared upon the bodies of those that she herself had killed._

 _Striking fear into every single person who heard her name on this filthy planet._

 _Pain as realization began to filter through her mind._

 _Anguish as she dug the jewel out of her forehead, screaming to herself that she no longer deserved to bear the mark._

 _Without the Greater Mark of Illumination, nothing more than a guerilla war commander._

 _The look in her eyes when she saw her former master trying to find her._

 _Hope when she realized he had come._

 _Dread when she knew it didn't matter._

 _Death._

 _Her own death._

 _Wishing for nothing more than to end it all._

 _Taken by the master before her._

* * *

Master Saa gasped as though she had been drowning as she pulled out of the hypnotic state. Depa had not moved, and was now still in the state that T'ra Saa had left her in. Her face was peaceful; she finally now looked as though she was merely sleeping.

Tr'a Saa stared down at her in horror, attempting to process everything that she had seen.

She knew in her heart that it was too late.

She lay back on the dirt, closing her eyes, trying to meditate. She needed time

"Master Saa."

The deep voice reached her as she trailed her hand through the water of the pond a long while later. She looked up to see the Koran Master Windu moving to stand beside her, his hands folded in his long robe, his face tired and wary.

"Why do you still try to reach her?" the younger master asked, nodding towards the still form of his former Padawan. "Not even Master Yoda could find his way through her thoughts."

Master Saa shook her head. She removed her hand from the pool and carefully stood. "No one deserves to be left alone in the darkness, Master Windu," she said simply.

He considered her words for a long moment. The sound of their breathing was louder than it should have been, and she looked sadly down at Depa.

"Have you found anything, Master?" Windu asked finally.

She could see the question in his eyes. They both knew what would happen if Depa were to wake. They both knew what would happen if even a testimony, such as one from a hypnotic state, were to be obtained.

And Master Saa closed her eyes before she answered. "Nothing, Master Windu. I could discover nothing. I fear she will remain this way for the rest of her life."

Master Windu looked at her evenly and exhaled. "I suppose it is for the best."

"Yes, Master Windu," said T'ra Saa gently. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head, kneeling down to put a dark hand on Depa's pale wrist. Then he got to his feet once more, his head moving back and forth and back and forth…

As he left the meditation garden, T'ra Saa looked back at the young woman and unexpected tears filled her eyes.

She knelt down, touched a hand to the bandage on the woman's forehead and bent her thoughts.

Standing up again, she looked down and sighed, passing her hand over her chest and pursing her lips for forgiveness.


End file.
